Sunday, December 18, 2011

Fun with an inflatable DOLL....Merry Christmas!

This was written by Jeff Foxworthy and appears in one of his books from 1996. As for whether it is true or not, Jeff says on the opening page of his website regarding his material: “There’s my life story (only 50% of it lies)!”  It is also attributed to an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners, saying it won first prize.  (Snopes says not true and attributes it to Jeff)

As a joke, my brother Jay used to   hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. 

He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.  You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.   

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.  

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate  some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.  I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused; she would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.   

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.  

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless.  'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.  

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

SEXY Reader Asks: “How can I tell if my girl has orgasmed? She is the quiet type.”

Thanks for asking me this, I bet a lot of partners have this question....

I am happy to help because I want you and your partner to have great sex and you can’t have great sex with such questions banging around in your head! You need the confidence of knowing that what you do excites her, turns her on and brings her to orgasm!

The first thing that I would say to you is, ‘if you have to ask, she probably isn’t’, but no worries because I am here to help you!

This is what I want you to do…plan a time together SOON for the two of you, away from distractions and away from the day. That might be easy or not depending on your situation…but make this happen this week! OK?

Now, plan for a great sex session during this time that you have arranged….when you are together I want you to focus on her, and focus on her sexually. I want you to seduce her and make her get excited about what you are doing! 

First, start undressing her, then touch her, everywhere…start focusing on her sensitive places and places that make her moist and excited.

Now start talking to her while you are touching her…tell her how pretty she is, how sexy and pretty her girlie parts are…..then watch her, you are going to watch her and keep watching her for signs of excitement and then orgasm. 

This session is not about you right now, this is about you being able to watch her and see what her reactions are to your touching and fondling and then to see if you can tell when she orgasms.

Use your hands and your fingers and your mouth on her sweet soft parts especially the ones that are between her legs, remember her nipples on occasion. I want you to watch to see how moist she gets, as she gets moist, watch and see her reaction to the other things that YOU are doing to her. When she gets moister that means that she is turned on by what you are doing…DO MORE of it! Then keep doing these things and watch for her breath to get more rapid, her body to arch into your hands and mouth, get her to the point that she literally cums in your hands. You will know that she has orgasmed when your hands get really wet from her juices, her breathing gets really quick her body is arching and then, WOW! She cums, your hands are wet, her breathing calms down and she looks satisfied….YOU HAVE TO WATCH for these things….

Now I know that during all of this, you have been really turned on, sorry, this session wasn’t about you really, well it kind of is, but now you hold her, tell her how wonderful it made you feel to watch her, then after 4-5 minutes start touching her again, she will respond…or at least her body will, women can be multi-orgasmic, then when she is getting more excited tell her that you have to be inside her, enter her and finish together….

What this has shown you is how she responds, I want you to touch her until you are convinced that she has cum, this is very important. If she hasn’t been orgasming, then it is very important for you to find this out. She needs to be enjoying and cumming from your lovemaking.

Write me back and tell me how all of this went, you might have had all of your questions answered from this session or you might have a LOT more questions afterwards…

It will be okay, I will help you get this worked out….

Monday, December 5, 2011

A SEXY READER asks for a hug......

A SEXY READER writes and asks me if I would give them a hug….

Holiday time is hard isn’t it? 

We all have hurts from Holidays that weren’t what they were supposed to be, we grew up watching movies and friends families who had Holidays that we didn’t have and now here we are as grown –ups or we think we are, and we are smack in the middle of one of the hardest stretches of misfortune during Holiday times that we have encountered. 

Several years ago when the economy crashed we were shell-shocked and devastated; many families were touched by unemployment and hardship. Mine was too…..

Now a few years later and at a time when we expected things to be better, they really aren’t, gas and food are higher than they ever were, our wages don’t go far enough and it is Christmas.

We want to do wonderful things for those that we love and for those that are hurting more than us. 

But that is a struggle…..we all want a hug…..and yes, my SEXY READER, I would give you a hug…I would give you a hug and I would hope that if we could all sit down and visit that we would share hot cups of tea and coffee and laugh and talk and have a good time and be good to each other….

So please SEXY READERS, do what you can to be good to yourself, be good to your loved ones and try to do something nice for a stranger if you can….

Sometimes the Holidays are just plain hard….take care of your selves and know that I care….