Question: My boyfriend is getting self-conscious in bed; he doesn’t really think that he is doing anything. (in other words the question is: Can you help me, help him, feel more confident in bed?)
Momma Elle answers:
It is so important for each of us, not just men, to feel accomplished and worthwhile during sex/lovemaking/etc.
If you know and feel that your partner is struggling with this, it is sooooo important for you to change this dynamic in your relationship.
Sexual confidence for a man is more than just having sex with his woman. He needs to be told and shown frequently that he is enough for his woman, enough in bed, enough in size, enough in life…. he needs to know that you are proud of him.
Telling him you are PROUD of him and why, will mean more to him than telling him that you love him. I am not sure why, it just is…. (Someday I will write about this and John Edwards)
Most men, and some woman, have a very strong physical need for sex. The physical release of orgasm is strong, demanding and necessary; this isn’t necessarily true for all men and in contrast is even true for some women. This strong physical need for release can make some men very thoughtless when it comes to sex. As their partners we need to help them remember….
Momma Elle Statement #1! SEX IS MORE THAN JUST PUMPING!
Foreplay is very important…even 10 good minutes of foreplay can mean all the difference to a woman! In contrast, when a woman spends 10 minutes of foreplay on her man, this can show him that you think he is a real stud and totally HOT! Make sure foreplay is a natural part of your sexual activity.
Also it is very important to help your man know what feels good to you! Talk to him, say things like, “Oh that feels so good!” “I love it when you do that!” “You are driving me crazy as you do that!”, and so on….he will start to gain confidence as he sees you enjoying all the wonderful things that he is learning to do to you to make you feel wonderful!
If you embrace these suggestions; his self-confidence in bed will skyrocket and increase the sexual fulfillment enjoyment for you both!
Guys, if you wanna be a real stud, if you want to feel the power and pride of having your woman ‘purr like a kitten’, you have to become really good at foreplay!
Foreplay is all about time….You take the time to make good food, you take the time to be good at sports or at your job… SO TAKE THE TIME TO LEARN TO BE REALLY GOOD AT FOREPLAY!
Once you accomplish this, her orgasms will come quicker and be more satisfying for you both.
A woman can have many orgasms in one sexual encounter, but it takes different kinds of sexual play to get to that point. If you haven’t taken the time in your relationship to get to know each other sexually, then make and TAKE the time immediately!
Unsatisfying, complicated sex can ruin a lot of good feelings in a relationship!
Most women learn to orgasm and orgasm quickly from foreplay and especially foreplay that includes oral sex…remember, women are made differently, they need stroking, touching, licking, prodding and sucking… all those wonderful things…
AND…if you add in sweet sayings of love and beauty, she will be purring like a kitten in your hand on no time….
One of my facebook readers sent me this comment: “Women are not taught that they should be satisfied and climax (reach orgasm) during each sexual interaction. This is a shame because women can achieve the rare gift of multiple orgasms and they don't even know it. I wish more women would insist on sexual encounters that provide orgasm for both partners and I wish more men would take the time to learn how to make a woman climax. Just think how many relationships may be saved by understanding those very simple things. Thank you Momma Elle for your page and insights. Keep those discussions going!”
My response: I got this very insightful statement and I want to talk about it for a few moments…..
In one of my earlier polls, I found that roughly 30% of my female fans ‘faked more orgasms than they actually had’. Girls, this is not okay…women are beautiful, sensual, soft, wonderful creatures and it is so important that we feel pleasure and have ORGASMS!
A Modigliani Portrait of a Nude Woman Satisfied,
for the Moment, with Herself Alone
For nearly every woman; having orgasms starts with being comfortable with your sexuality. That means understanding that you are a sexual being and that having sexy thoughts, feelings, dreams and fantasies are a good, natural and wonderful thing.
It also means knowing and understanding your own body.
Women, learn what your clitoris (clit) is, know what your labia (outer and inner lips) are and understand that your vagina is actually the entrance to your uterus (womb). Your ‘entire’ vagina/va-jay-jay/pussy/etc. is called a vulva….isn’t that a nice word?
Again I say to you, get to know yourself, get to know your vulva, feel how soft your vulva is, feel where all your parts are, learn how you feel as you touch them, can you touch yourself in a way that brings you pleasure? If not, why not? Think about this…ok?
Also learn what your normal scent is, learn to enjoy your normal scent. Be OK with your normal scent, it is your God-given scent and it is wonderful! Ignore the billion dollar industry that tells you that your normal scent is yukky! They have lied to you to make money off of you!
Know when you ovulate, know what is a good contraception for you, (did you know that some bc pills, iud’s and many other bc’s with hormones can actually reduce your sex drive?).
Now is your time!
Don’t let your mom, your religion, your anything, tell you that you cannot explore, feel, touch yourself and find pleasure and expect pleasure!
I love, love, LOVE dirty talk, so this question is a lot of fun!
Start simple and tame. But definitely take it up a notch regularly until you are at a place that seems to work for the enjoyment of you both.
Tame: stop using clinical names, you are an adult now, it isn’t a penis and it isn’t a vagina, dirty talk isn’t dirty talk with the clinical names.
Don’t use ‘dick’ either….think about good names for you to call all the parts. This is different for different people, what I like and what my guy likes to hear might be different than you and your girl/guy. BUT, don’t go for the wild just yet, use names that are tame.
Simple: start with a note, a text, not face to face during sex. You can see how what you are saying is being received. I like sending dirty text messages. Emails are ok too as long as you DON’T send them to work email!
Sending short, sexy, dirty statements to your lover tells them that you find them sexy and exciting. If it doesn’t, then they aren’t responding to the phrases that you are using, so try different statements.
After you start with texts or notes, then move onto some face to face during sex, again, start simple and tame.
Very short statements about what you would like to do to your partner are a good start and an easy way to judge their reaction. EVERYONE wants to know that they are wanted!
After you have tried this for a week or so, try it face to face in bed, whisper it in your partners ear, or leave a message under the pillow or on top of their pj’s in the drawer, again start out tame and simple.
In all of the above, WATCH for the reaction of your partner. Watch to see if they are responding to what you are saying, how they are responding.
Watching is so important, watch for the response to what you say and what you do, if you want a good sex life, you will give good sex. The only way you can give good sex is to watch for the response of your partner. When you see that they enjoy, like, love what you are saying or doing, then do more of it, if you aren’t seeing that they are enjoying what you are doing or saying, then try something different.
The review is posted on my facebook page under the 'discussion' tab.
You know, I really felt that author Lisa Jones missed the mark on nearly every statement; which led me to believe that her appointed title of ‘expert on all things female’ as so crowned by Men’s Health; is wrongly applied.
I decided to start my own list of sexy statements that will turn ladies on!
So Hey Sexy Girls!
Let's make our OWN list!
Here is the first sexy statement that I have received!
A facebook reader sent in this statement that her guy said to her...
Would you get turned on if your guy said this to you? ----
"I have loved making love to you since the very first time."
Click here to answer 'yes' or 'no' on my facebook page poll! Yes or NO?
Question: "I have not had sex for a while and I did about a month ago.
I was so tight the guy could barely get in and he seemed upset about it.
It made me kinda self-conscious even though I know that it’s a good thing to be tight. Was this weird?"
First! I am sorry that you felt self-conscious…what a crappy way to feel during sex! 'The guy' was probably upset because he felt self-conscious and that made you feel self-conscious and then it gets lame for both of you! I am so sorry!
I hope my answers will help you so that this never happens again!
First? Yes, It is good to be tight….being inside is heaven for a man…being snug/tight, well I would think that is just what they want! So YES! Being ‘tight’ is a good thing….
Now….the fact that he could barely get in….I think that had very little to do with being tight, but rather a lack of lubricant, either of your own making, or added lubricant.
I have 2 suggestions here:
1.When you are having sex, don’t let your guy try to ‘get in’ until you are begging for it, meaning that you have had so much foreplay that you really, really really, want to have his cock inside you…that way you will be really moist/wet and way more ready for entering. Lots of good foreplay for you!
2. Start experimenting with lubricant; find some nice lubricant that you like the smell of and that really works for you. I can recommend ‘Maximus’ a water-based lubricant from liquidsilk.com. (or try ebay) Keep it really close to your bed, if you don’t have a night stand or a small dresser or shelf next to your bed, get one. It should have a nice private place for your lubricant, condoms (always), breath mints and or gum… back to the lubricant, if for some reason you are still not very wet after foreplay, (certain bc pills can do this, or older women sometimes experience this) then roll over and get a little squirt of lubricant and rub it in his shaft…he will love it and you will have no problem with tightness.
Lastly, remember that you are not weird, what you think and feel about sex is not weird…sex is a wonderful natural thing that takes a while to figure out…be easy on yourself! You are a wonderful natural woman, enjoy that and love yourself!
As always, let me know how my answer helped you and invite your friends to like my facebook page!